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Reflecting on drawing
Dec. 1st, 2023 03:10 pmOrigin and Passion
I cannot remember a specific "one" moment when I started drawing or thought, "I want to do this forever." Drawing has always been a part of my life, as if I have always done it. It became a positive influence, receiving encouragement and support from my family, particularly my grandmother, who aspired to be an artist herself. I received praise for my drawings, attended art classes, and had access to all the drawing materials I could wish for, whether I asked for them or not. Despite our financial limitations, drawing became a refuge for me, especially during challenging times. It allowed me to disconnect from the world and focus entirely on my task, providing a tactic for dissociation.
In the past, I drew whatever came to mind, creating characters and stories of my own. It was spontaneous, unlike planning a comic with storyboards. One notable project was a long story I shared online called "L." It garnered around 300 readers, and the highlight was the interaction with readers who could contribute ideas and influence the story. While not financially rewarding, it was a fulfilling experience, although I wasn't fully aware of how personal and intimate the story was at the time.
Professional Ambitions
As a child, I aspired to be a comic artist due to my love for drawing. However, my path to a career in art was chaotic. Despite wanting to pursue graphic design and enter the workforce after high school, my family insisted I go to college. I eventually studied Visual Communication/Graphics, facing challenges and contemplating a switch to Japanese studies. Didn't happen. After struggling with the social aspects, I found solace in a new school, where I could focus more on comic art. Despite the challenges, I secured a contract with a publisher and completed a graphic novel alongside my studies. The experience taught me the disparity between effort and reward. Unsatisfied, I shifted my focus to Concept Art, landing some jobs but not enough to make a substantial living.
Over time, my relationship with drawing changed, and I struggled with self-identity as an artist. This ultimately left me questioning my artistic voice and direction.
Self-Criticism and Stress
I experience stress primarily with personal projects, where complete artistic freedom paradoxically becomes a challenge. Questions about my artistic style and identity arise, and criticism, especially from loved ones, exacerbates my uncertainty. The fear of not being convinced of my own work hinders progress on personal projects.
Loss of One's Voice
Describing my unique artistic features is challenging. I've been praised for conveying emotions effectively, particularly through facial expressions. While I appreciate color and have a sense of humor, I struggle to define my distinct artistic qualities.
Lack of Ideas and Existential Questions
I struggle with generating ideas independently but thrive with assignments or competitions. Working with prompts hasn't proven successful, and I question the purpose of creating without a clear goal or reward. The desire to find joy and relaxation in drawing conflicts with the pressure to define my artistic identity.
Rediscovering Creativity
I'm unsure how to reintroduce joy and ease into my artistic practice. Suggestions of taking breaks and distancing myself from drawing raise the question of when it's sufficient. Drawing has been a significant part of my life, making it difficult to abstain entirely. I've considered writing as an alternative, but it doesn't provide the same satisfaction.
Experimenting with new techniques or themes may not be the solution; I yearn for simplicity and a return to the joy I experienced with the "L" comic.
(Image credit: Anne-Marije Rook, Source: 
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